XTREME RESOLUTIONS

Every year, I make these attainable goals that are easy to reach. In 2013, I thought I’d just overshoot it, so I can fail immediately and get it all out of the way. – by Tara DeFrancisco

10. UNCLUTTER THAT SPACE AND OWN NOTHING.

Why do you have 18 pairs of capri pants and 43 hypercolor shirts? Some people would say “fashion sense”, and they’d be right – but time to give them up. But, don’t do it halfway! Give it ALL away! You don’t need a couch! You don’t need a bed! Just live free and easy, Matthew McConaughey style (but if you want that, keep one pair of capris and no shirts).

9. BE CREATIVE ALL THE TIME AND NEVER DON’T WORK.

Who cares if any of the product you put out dilutes your presence, just keep churning out that nonsense! Write every hour! Do shows every minute! Youtube your pinterest and facebook your tweets! LivingSocial your hulu and webisode your NaNoWriMo! Blog your tweetdeck and tumblr yo-(passes out)

8. LOSE 1,403 POUNDS.

Come on, girl, you can do this. After all, over our average lifetimes, we probably do this (and gain them all back), but they are lost nonetheless! You will disappear with all that weight gone! And really, isn’t that what a girl wants – to disappear if she’s overweight? WHAT’S THE POINT OF LIVING?!?!11?1!

7. BECOME AN EXTREME RUNNER AND SURVIVALIST, BAREFOOT.

Hitting the gym? Bush league, son. Sure you haven’t completed a 5k, but it’s time to dive right in. You shouldn’t be doing zumba at a gym, you should be fighting a bear with your hands. SINK OR SWIM, BRO.

6. TRAVEL MORE, TO THE PLACES PEOPLE NEVER SEE!

People always claim you should see the places as the locals do, so really consider which water fountains to catch when you’re at such sights as the Jeffersonville Outlet Mall or the pullover at the Des Plaines Oasis. Oh, this Taco Bell DOES carry more fire sauce. See? You’re l-i-v-i-n-g.

5. LEARN ALL LANGUAGES ON EARTH.

You bought the Rosetta Stone with all intentions of learning that pesky Mandarin, now just do it! Your 5 years of spanish obviously helps you get through life, if only when people want to know where the closest Bibliotecha is.

4. ERASE ALL DEBT, EVEN DEBT YOU DON’T HAVE YET.

Sure, you had over $28,000 in medical debt by the time you were 27, but is that ANYTHING in comparison to what you COULD have? Rack it up, girl! Hop to it! Buy that lanai! Consider that tiger rug! Pay it all off this year or YOU’RE A FAILURE.

3. GET ONE RELATIONSHIP TO WORK.

This one I’ll leave alone. It’s already overshooting it.

2. DRINK EVERYTHING.

You look a m a z i n g when you drink, especially in all those videos you take on your phone. No one is screamier or more beautiful than you, boss. Especially TO you – So just turn it up a notch. Oh yeah, and mix all kinds together, so you can remember the glory harder and more painfully the next day during that House Hunters marathon.

1. GET IT ALL WRONG.

If you’re getting it perfect, you’re doing it wrong. Live this year as fantastically flawed as any, and laugh at the end of it. After all, you gotta have another year to fuck it all up again or you’d have no resolutions to make. Go get ’em, tiger.